Duped! A satirical play by 606AlfieConn

All characters in this play are purely fictional and any resemblances to real people dead or alive are coincidence
 
Picture the scene, a behind closed doors meeting at The Big Hoose attended by Dodgy Dave and his henchmen.
DD – Dodgy Dave
BB – Baldy Bain
PM – Poodle Murray
AE – Andy the property developer
BUM – Bug Eyed Monster
 
 
DD:     Right guys, the game’s a bogey. Hector is onto us and he is coming           after us for all that is due to him.
PM:     But but but DD, you said that it was all legal & above board
DD:     Shut up & keep polishing my shoes, I said nothing of the kind, at least no             on record. Where is Badly Bain anyway?
PM:     TanzRuz have a 2for1 offer on and he hasn’t been seen for days!
DD:     Well we need to sell the Big Hoose and all the monkeys in it as I need to               escape with my reputation intact
PM:     But boss you have been trying to sell for 4 years and no-one is biting apart           from that dodgy property developer.
DD:     GENIUS, get me AE on the phone
 
 
Phone call between DD & AE
 
DD:     I need to punt the Big Hoose pronto
AE:      I offered to buy it and you told me to piss off
DD:     I need out now as Hector is going to bring the place down like a house of cards and that cant happen on my watch. The minions love me and I need           the love. Is there any of you unscrupulous mates with a few bob          wanting a piece of the action?
AE:      There is one guy I can think of. He does the old switcheroonie thing and   he comes from up your neck of the woods.
DD:     Does he have the money?
AE:      He is a billionaire with wealth of the radar©DR
DD:     Brilliant get him to call me this might just work.
 
A luxury chateau with vineyards attached (all above board and paid for)
 
DD:     So tell me your plan.
BUM:  I I I I I I I I I will take on your eh eh eh eh coompanee for a a a a pound        and then I I I I I I I  wil eh eh eh eh  (you get the picture) and do a             switcheroonie and we both walk away minted (puns intended)
DD:     I don’t get it how does it work?
BUM:  Well firstly I “borrow borrow” money from a finance company on assets       that I don’t actually own. I then offer to buy your company for £1 again I    don’t actually own that either. You swan off into the background as the        hero you always were. I promise to invest loads of money that I don’t have             on doing up the Big Hoose and buying more of they monkeys that play in             the Big Hoose and everyone thinks that I am a great guy.
But I don’t do any of that, all I do is borrow more money from other folk,      but don’t worry these guys have loads of money, to put a lick of paint & a     new Hygena kitchen in the Big Hoose and again they all think I am the          good guy.
You say that Hector will come after you in November & that you have a      European lottery win in September so that means the timing is perfect.
DD:     I don’t get it, why is the timing crucial?
BUM:  DD, you don’t get it at all!! I have been doing these deals all my life; I was a millionaire at 5, multi-millionaire at 12 and a gaziliionaire at 20 all from         doing the switcheroonies. I am an absolute master at this; just ask Hector         & all the minions that I have left in my wake.
The reason the timing is crucial is this;
All I need is working capital to get me though to November when Hector    comes calling & brings the Big Hoose down. This will come from not    paying any bills from the day I take over and from this Euro windfall that    you say is coming in September. This is why I don’t even need £1
DD:     Genius, why didn’t I think of this?
BUM:  So come November when Hector says that we have been very naughty     boys, I will say sorry it was the bad man before me that did this and then       ran away. I do the switcheroonie and the NEWCO Big Hoose is born and        Hector and everybody else can sing like canaries for their money. I then    sell the Big Hoose & the monkeys in it to one of your pals for a massive            profit but he has the Big Hoose debt free and I walk away into the sunset          with millions in my pocket, your reputation is intact as Hector will get the           blame & all these poodles that you own can spin “the truth” and the bears             will lap it up. Win/Win situation for us both.
DD:     You are an absolute master at this; if this comes off I have another company that you could look at.
BUM:  The beauty is that the only victims are the big finance houses, Hector, the             banks & the other creditors. The bears are not harmed neither are the       monkeys.
Who can stop us?
The authorities?       I don’t think so
The press?                I don’t think so
The TV?                     I don’t think so
Hector?                      I don’t think so
 
What could possibly go wrong, it is all in the timing!!!!!
 
Evil laughs are heard in the background

@606AlfieConn

Comments

  1. Could be quite accurate! Although i do believe if he profits heavilly from all this, the bullets and bomb senders will track him down, if they hate our side because we defy them, what will they think of the guy that kills them and robs the corpse and fucks off with a pretty profit on his £1

  2. Could be quite accurate! Although i do believe if he profits heavilly from all this, the bullets and bomb senders will track him down, if they hate our side because we defy them, what will they think of the guy that kills them and robs the corpse and fucks off with a pretty profit on his £1

  3. Superb…this farce could run and run. If only the old Glasgow Empire was still standing. The new Susan Boyle musical may have some competition here. Maybe Elane C Smith could play wee Ally. They ae physiologically similar.
    Sorry to insult you Elaine….well done Alfie

  4. Superb…this farce could run and run. If only the old Glasgow Empire was still standing. The new Susan Boyle musical may have some competition here. Maybe Elane C Smith could play wee Ally. They ae physiologically similar.
    Sorry to insult you Elaine….well done Alfie

  5. The truth is allways stranger than fiction indeed……
    DD is a scum guy, his history of ripping working folk off is there for all to see. and to ask folk for a minute that Murray didnae ken aboot it is stretching credulity tooooooo far

  6. The truth is allways stranger than fiction indeed……
    DD is a scum guy, his history of ripping working folk off is there for all to see. and to ask folk for a minute that Murray didnae ken aboot it is stretching credulity tooooooo far

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