Secret Ibrox Tapes

(Disclaimer: I cannot reveal my source but can confirm that he is embedded deep inside the inner sanctum. Nor can I attest to its veracity).

Tape Starts: Hiss of air and the sound of door closing softly. Perhaps some kind of padded door.

Male Voice: Are you awake Charles?

Grumpy Male Voice: Of course I’m awake its difficult to get comfortable in this jacket. Are you sure the doctors said it would help me think straight.

Male Voice: No he didn’t say that. He said: “I think you need a straight jacket.”

Grumpy Male: Ok…well just loosen the straps will you?

Male voice: I was thinking Charles the March went well and with the result yesterday I think we should put out a press release aimed at our loyal northern Irish fans. You know pump them up…fuel the victim mentality and distract them.

Grumpy: Its October why should we send out a PR piece about March?

Male: No THE March?

Grumpy: Do you think I’m stupid? I know what March is. It’s a month and it comes after February and before…err. Well you know what I mean.

Male: No Charles THE March was the one that took place in Belfast to commemorate the signing of the Ulster Covenant. The Marching season is important to us as we see a spike in our end of line replica jersey sales. Its good business and enables us to connect with our Irish fans.

Grumpy: Oh right….I see…[long pause]…Do we have Irish fans? I mean I thought we were a Scottish club with blues noses for supporters.

Male: We are but our fans don’t like being called blue noses.

Grumpy: That’s what my mate Craig calls them among things like “ungrateful bigtoed bastards.”

Male: Mr Whyte is one of the reasons why we are in the mess we are in and its ‘bigoted’ not ‘bigtoed’.

Grumpy: Well…whatever…this is hurting my brain and distracting me from trying to tunnel my way out of here with as much money as possible.

Male: So will I get a press release out aligning us and yourself with the Ulster collective?

Grumpy: Ok, do what you wish just as long as it doesn’t make me look a fool.

Male: Great…I’m right on it and Ally McCoist is outside and wants a word.

Grumpy: McCoist, McCoist. Do I know him?

Male: (Sighs) He’s our manager…you know chooses the team and makes all the tactical decisions here. He’s called Super Ally by the fans.

Grumpy: Who cares…send him in and call me in 5 minutes telling me my new best mate Jim Traynor is here.

Hiss of door closing and opening again.

Ally: How’s it gauin’ Boss? Are you awake?

Grumpy: Of course I’m awake Sally. My eyes may be closed but I am deep in thought.

Ally: Err OK…I should do some of that…you know deep thinking…and its Ally not Sally.

Grumpy: Well that’s what my mate Craig calls you. In fact only last week when I was having dinner with him, Duff and Phelps and Ticketus, he was saying what a puppet you were for the blue noses…or was it muppet? Anyway what can I do for you?

Ally: I need some more money Boss.

Grumpy: What for now? Don’t you know we’ve got bugger all left in the biscuit tin?

Ally: It’s for the squad Boss. The way things are going with the results and that we might need to buy them new trainers when they get run out of town by everyone who didn’t walk away and stupidly bought a season ticket.

Sound of phone ringing.

Grumpy: That’ll be my new best mate Jim Traynor calling me. I’ll talk to my mate Mike at Sports Direct and see if he can get us some snide gear. Now beat it!!!

Tape ends:

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