(As always I cannot attest to the veracity of this transcript).
Sounds of furious clicking and the repeated singing of “money, money, money…it’s a rich man’s world”.
Hiss of the door opening perhaps a padded door.
Man (in a surprised voice): Chuck what are you doing?
Chuck: What do you think I’m doing Brian? Duh…I’m registering my interest in our share issue…after all I don’t want to miss out.
Brian: Charles you don’t have to do that. You own the club…well as far as the world is concerned and you’ve made sure you will still have control of most of the shares even after the loyal collective have waded in with their monkeys.
Chuck: Err…of course I knew that…its just that the initial declarations of interest have been a bit low…so I thought I’d get in there and steal a bargain.
Brian: You’re just not getting it…YOU HAVE EFFECTIVELY UNDERWRITTEN THIS FLOAT ALREADY…so you’ll end up with most of the shares anyway.
Chuck: When did I underwrite the float…who told you that? I bet that’s those clowns at the SPL who said that. They’re really pissed at me saying we will never play in the SPL again. I’m a man of my word and the fans know that.
Brian: Yes…well I wanted to talk about that Charles. As financial director of this club I think refusing to play in the top tier of Scottish football is financial suicide as far as the institutional investors are concerned. To make the model work we need to get in to the SPL and play in Europe.
Chuck: Brian you’re such a pessimist…what do those clowns know about finance in Scotland? This country needs us…we are the biggest club in the country if not the world and perhaps the universe. We’re bigger than Aston Villa even and they’re useless.
UEFA will be begging us to play in Europe
Brian (sighs): Whatever…anyway I was wondering if you could sign this cheque?
Chuck: What’s it for? You know I get a nosebleed having to part with any money other than some else’s.
Brian: Well it’s all for your benefit really Charles?
Chuck: Really…like what?
Brian: It’s to pay for your weekly supply of:
• “Self Delusion”
• “Arrant Nonsense”
Plus gallons of “Economical with the Truth”
(Exasperated sighing and scribbling followed by rustling and grunting)
Brian: Thanks Charles…can I ask what you’re do with that Groucho Marx mask on?
Chuck: It’s my disguise…I don’t want the media mafia to know it’s me registering on our site.
Brian: Charles they wouldn’t know…nobody can see you…it’s the internet for God’s sake!
Chuck: Shit…do you mean I didn’t need to have bought all these costumes? I particularly liked the Teddy Bear one too.
Brian: Regrettably not Charles.
Charles: (Expletive) Well then just give Sally the clown’s outfits they would fit his team.