SECRET SFA TAPE

As always I cannot attest as this transcripts veracity.

(Loud knock on a door)

Male Voice: Who’s there?

2nd Male Voice: Its me…Campbell…open up Stewart.

(Loud scraping and much grunting followed by the creaking of door hinges)

Campbell: God you look like shit. You really do need to stop barricading yourself in Stu nobody can get by our armed security and the infrared beams without proper authorisation.

Stewart: That’s easy for you to say Cammy…you’re a much loved and highly respected former director of our most famous football club and our highest football association official. I on the other hand have been vilified on both sides for trying to help your old club out with a shoe in to the SPL
What did I do wrong?

Campbell: Yes Stewart it just doesn’t seem fair…back in the day all we needed to do, to distract attention from our bungling administration, was trump up some charge against Celtic and the media would feed off that while we got on with the business of stooping even lower to enable… err them…to prosper. The Neil Lennon charge after that game was genius…pure genius and we got away with it…but unfortunately not now. The world’s turned to rat shit.
(sighing sounds)

Stewart: What can I do for you Cammy…do you need another public display of support or should I call up Donny?

Campbell: No we don’t need Neil’s support yet…anyway he’s doing a great job rewriting history…No, what I’m here for is I have another genius plan that can help out both parties.

Stewart: Both parties…who you talking about?

Campbell: Us and err… them in the principality of Govan.

Stewart: I’m all ears.

Campbell: Right here it is. Last night’s result was predictable and if it hadn’t been for the heroics of Alan…(pause and a choked voice) our former stalwart, it could have been so much worse. Clearly Levein’s got to be the scapegoat…here’s my cunning plan. We sack him forthwith and appoint Ally to the post. At the same time we pay Charles a ton of money as compensation for buying him out of his contract. In one fell swoop we ease Charles’s financial problems and get back into their supporters good books. The lap-top loyal will turn a blind eye to this blatant nepotism and the media will rise up and charge Celtic players with failing to ensure that Scotland’s manager kept his job. What do you think?

Stewart: I’m liking your thinking so far…just a couple of points…there were players from other clubs playing as well…and does Ally really have the credentials to do the job?

Campbell: Of course there were other players but if we give Jim T an exclusive on this he will print whatever we tell him. After all he’s not cared too much about the veracity of anything recently and besides Celtic need a kicking. Ever since they got off with that shocking banner charge their fans have been unjustifiably attacking the SFA.
As regards Ally’s credentials…since when did that matter? We appointed you and look where I am.
Besides he has coached at the very top of the game in Scotland and also at the very bottom…there cannot be anyone more qualified.

Stewart: Yes…but he hasn’t actually achieved anything yet has he…apart from being Sir Walter’s water carrier…which incidentally he did a good job of…and that incident with Lennon…he gained iconic status after that.

Campbell: Precisely two more good reasons to give him the job.

Stewart: I don’t know Cammy…its high risk and opens us up to a charge of failing in our fiduciary duties.

Campbell: I thought you’d say that. So here’s the slam-dunk…we convene a panel show along the lines of “Question of Sport” with Ally as the captain of one team with Seb Coe and John Motson as his team mates…and we have Levein as the other captain with Senga from accounts and Charles what’s his name as the other. The winning captain gets the Scotland job…that way we make it an open and transparent process and then no one could criticise us for failing to carry out
a fit and proper recruitment process.

Stewart: Perfect…another genius idea Cammy…inspirational and no one will ever see through the ruse.

Campbell: Thanks Stu…that’s what I’m here for. The bonus of this, of course, is that at least Ally’s press conferences will be packed jokes and cheeky chappy comments. Levein was always so miserable.

(Tape ends)

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