Following Paul McConville’s revelations today of the highly sophisticated plot to bring about the demise of the mighty Glasgow Rangers unconfirmed reports reaching the press wires are that the Holy See has launched an audacious bid to purchase the entire shareholding of Sevco.
For some time now the football world has held its breath as it eagerly awaits the latest Charles Green updates on just how successful the upcoming IPO is going. We have been led to believe that the offer will be over subscribed and everyone will make zillions in the first weeks. Today we woke up to the shock news that the Vatican, at the behest of Chuckles, has tabled a bid to buy Sevco as seemingly the IPO isnt all it is cracked up to be. It may surprise so many of us to learn that, as I write, due diligence is being carried out by the Jesuits and they were examining the school jotters and various Post It notes inherited by Charles Green at Ibrox Park that constitutes the financial accounts of the club left by Duff and Phelps.
It appears that His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has always been a big fan of the ’Gers. This possibly dates back to his time as a soldier in the German anti-aircraft corps towards the end of the Second World War. Sources close to Benedict say that His Holiness is an avid collector of Rangers memorabilia, and in particular the sombrero worn by Barry Ferguson during their championship winning celebrations in 2003 takes pride of place in his downstairs loo.
It is widely known it was the Vatican that funded King William of Orange’s army when they came to the nation’s rescue to depose the corrupt Catholic King James. Pope Benedict was reminded of this connection very recently when watching the pageantry of last summer’s Orange Walks. The stirring music but ungainly, slightly dysfunctional marching was a source for concern. The sight of so many Rangers jerseys stretched over distended stomachs brought a tear to his eye as it reminded him of the poverty and deprivation that prevails in the world today. “My work is not done,” he was heard to whisper.
Many loyal Rangers fans will be concerned at this turn of events. “It’s a nightmare scenario for the Billy Boys,” said one worthy. “This is what happens when our great club signed people like Mo Johnson and Arteta. But we will remain loyal. We don’t do walking away.”
It has been rumoured that Father Desmond, [no known relation], brokered the deal when it was discovered that the biscuit tin was emptied to pay the car hire charges for Green’s recent pilgrimage to Belfast. This confidential information came to him from one of the many Catholic moles within the club.
Father Desmond has said that inevitably there will have to be changes at the club. Murray Park will be sold off to the Glasgow Archdiocese and turned into an underground basilica. “I know that many supporters will be alarmed at them losing this training facility but we are discussing with Glasgow Celtic the possibility of sharing their training ground. There is really no need for a part-time football club to have such an expensive overhead. It is much better being put to use for missionary purposes,’ he went on to say.
A well-known First Minister of Scotland [who will remain anonymous. Nothing new there] has quietly welcomed this development as he believes that there is over one trillion pounds worth of assets still to be realised in the Vatican. “This will be good news for the fabric and social infrastructure of Scotland. I’ve always been partial to a Chasuble and enjoy a good hearty Hymn.”
Where this will leave the team on the other side of the city? Not surprisingly they are remaining tight lipped on the matter. The Daily Rangers has said: “The question has never been could Celtic survive and prosper without Rangers but whether they could prosper with another Catholic Club on their doorstep.”
Sources: Scottish Football, History of Social Bigotry, The Book of Dodgy Deals, Follow, Follow and the Cookery Book: Just Desserts.
I’m off to join Paul McConville somewhere over the rainbow.