Hi De Hi Referees

SFA Referees Retreat – Location La Manga Holiday Camp
Retreat Rules:
1. Uniforms to be worn at all times.
2. No Speedos at the poolside. Black one piece bathing costumes only with bathing caps.
3. Unruly behaviour will be punished with a straight red card.
4. All must attend eyesight test. FIFA registered referees exempt for no reason. We don’t need to give a reason.
5. Bedtime 10pm no extra time allowed.
6. Anyone kicking a ball with their left foot will be ejected from the camp.
7. All referees must use their cutlery at meal times. The practice of scooping one’s food using your cards is forbidden unless you are Steven McLean and Willie Collum who are still trying to master the art of table manners.
8. Camp entertainers must not be upstaged by any joke behaviour unless on the pitch honing your refereeing skills.
9. Attendance at the Hugh Dallas Inappropriate Communications lecture is mandatory. Unless you are Steven McLean and Willie Collum who are undertaking a crash course in what constitutes a foul.
10. Final exam. All referees will be assessed on their ability to:
• Running backwards ignoring rightful appeals but looking good.
• Keep a straight face when knowingly manipulating a match.
• Not smirking when denying a blatant penalty.
• Remember the entire works UEFA Grand Master Dallas’s illustrious career.
Of course we all know that this is very far from the truth. The reality is they will all get lagered up. Hit the clubs on the strip [for those who have visited La Manga the strip is infamous] and generally take themselves too seriously for being the custodians of the Hugh Dallas Legacy.
Adding some more Retreat Rules would be most welcome.
HH

Comments

  1. McAllister
    * A bare face is only allowed when lying. Crash courses on whispering on ear pieces and
    reporting alterations are free in the Mason’s Secret Service Club.
    * Nude bathers must still wear one rolled up trouser leg for identity purposes only. This is
    to enable Mr. Dallas to check who are the biggest pricks.
    * Farts in the pool are strictly forbidden. Obnoxious hot air is the sole responsibility of
    Scottish football authorities alone.
    * When in a birthday suit, a referee is advised to put his cards where most supporters
    think they should be shoved every match.
    * If the Spanish life guard blesses himself before diving in, referees should choose
    drowning as the better of two evils.
    * It is strictly forbidden to send cards from your retreat to Celtic officials, managers or
    players. That will be plenty of time to issue such cards on a weekly basis after you
    arrive home.
    * Study the penalty rules closely as Celtic will find cause to challenge your decisions.
    1. Any hint of a foul in the Celtic box is a penalty.
    2. Any dive in the Celtic box is a blatant penalty.
    3. If a Celtic player can walk after a challenge in the opposition box, it is definitely not a
    penalty.
    4. If a Celtic player is tripped in the opposition box, book him for diving. A penalty
    should never be given. Referees may consider instead giving a penalty to the
    opposition instead the next time one of its players enters the Celtic box, just as
    shear retaliation for Celtic claiming one.
    5. If questioned about a penalty decision, state you were running back from the ball
    and did not see the incident. The opposite applies, of course, if it is against Celtic.
    Study Willie Collum for the best examples.
    6. Finally, all new referees must study experts like Willie Collum, Steven McLean, Ian
    Brines, Calum Murray, Craig Thomson, Euan Norris, Eddie Smith and Charlie
    Richmond among many others to see how it is done. The source of all information
    and knowledge on bent refereeing is, of course, The Grand Master of intrigue, Mr.
    Hugh Dallas, ably assisted and advised by his lies and concealment officer Mr.
    Dougie McDonald (Retired).
    7. All disputed calls should be referred to Mr. Dallas as soon as possible after a match
    so that a story can be concocted to meet any challenges to wrong decisions.
    * There are other rules and extensive training programmes set out by the Grand Master
    to train referees how to specifically cheat Timmy. These should be studied intensely
    as the Grand Master will ask examine your ability to do so once he has conned the
    S.F.A. into another freeby holiday for the Masonic gang.
    Sorry I could only think of a couple, McAllister :). Shows how much data is out there to support your contentions.

  2. McAllister
    * A bare face is only allowed when lying. Crash courses on whispering on ear pieces and
    reporting alterations are free in the Mason’s Secret Service Club.
    * Nude bathers must still wear one rolled up trouser leg for identity purposes only. This is
    to enable Mr. Dallas to check who are the biggest pricks.
    * Farts in the pool are strictly forbidden. Obnoxious hot air is the sole responsibility of
    Scottish football authorities alone.
    * When in a birthday suit, a referee is advised to put his cards where most supporters
    think they should be shoved every match.
    * If the Spanish life guard blesses himself before diving in, referees should choose
    drowning as the better of two evils.
    * It is strictly forbidden to send cards from your retreat to Celtic officials, managers or
    players. That will be plenty of time to issue such cards on a weekly basis after you
    arrive home.
    * Study the penalty rules closely as Celtic will find cause to challenge your decisions.
    1. Any hint of a foul in the Celtic box is a penalty.
    2. Any dive in the Celtic box is a blatant penalty.
    3. If a Celtic player can walk after a challenge in the opposition box, it is definitely not a
    penalty.
    4. If a Celtic player is tripped in the opposition box, book him for diving. A penalty
    should never be given. Referees may consider instead giving a penalty to the
    opposition instead the next time one of its players enters the Celtic box, just as
    shear retaliation for Celtic claiming one.
    5. If questioned about a penalty decision, state you were running back from the ball
    and did not see the incident. The opposite applies, of course, if it is against Celtic.
    Study Willie Collum for the best examples.
    6. Finally, all new referees must study experts like Willie Collum, Steven McLean, Ian
    Brines, Calum Murray, Craig Thomson, Euan Norris, Eddie Smith and Charlie
    Richmond among many others to see how it is done. The source of all information
    and knowledge on bent refereeing is, of course, The Grand Master of intrigue, Mr.
    Hugh Dallas, ably assisted and advised by his lies and concealment officer Mr.
    Dougie McDonald (Retired).
    7. All disputed calls should be referred to Mr. Dallas as soon as possible after a match
    so that a story can be concocted to meet any challenges to wrong decisions.
    * There are other rules and extensive training programmes set out by the Grand Master
    to train referees how to specifically cheat Timmy. These should be studied intensely
    as the Grand Master will ask examine your ability to do so once he has conned the
    S.F.A. into another freeby holiday for the Masonic gang.
    Sorry I could only think of a couple, McAllister :). Shows how much data is out there to support your contentions.

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